I was young, foolish, and oh-so-very wrong. Freshman year of college I lived in a triple the size of a glorified shoebox. Then it turns out New York real estate is actually really expensive (who knew?), so I would have to live with many roommates—not in Manhattan, but in deep Brooklyn. For reasons unclear, many of them don't appreciate the sound of my head repeatedly knocking against my bed frame.
It turns out car sex isn't just for horny teens with no place to bone besides the back of a CVS parking lot. It's for grown-ass men and women too. The world truly is a cruel and unforgiving mistress.
Luckily, over the millennia, humans have evolved to become problem-solvers. As highly-adaptive, innovative apes, we learned to build tools, irrigate crops, and even put a man on the moon.
In 2019, we've also mastered having sex in a car. (Alright, "mastered" may be too strong of a word.) In 2019, we've also learned to have slightly above average sex in a car.
I assembled tips not just from my own personal experience, but also from my Instagram followers. (On my story I posed the question, "What the best way to have sex in a car?" My thirsty Instagram followers then sent me highly inappropriate and detailed descriptions of the many times they plowed in a sedan.) Now, I will bestow this coveted knowledge to you.
Tip 1: Do it in the backseat.
Sometimes, knowing what not to do is as important as knowing what to do. For example, Glenn, 28, learned you shouldn't have sex in the front seat of a church parking lot because you may hit the horn, and the entire congregation will hear. From that mortifying experience, we know we should not have sex in the driver's seat, since there is a likelihood of hitting the horn, and it might not be a tiny toot. If you're adjusting you may accidentally hold down the horn for a solid, three Mississippis.
Tip 2: Fold the backseats down and move the front seats up as far as possible.
The vast majority of cars made in the past two decades have the capacity to fold the backseats down. The manufacturers did this on purpose. They want you to bone in the back. If you happen to be in a sex-negative car, which doesn't have the ability to pop the backseats down, at least move the driver's and passenger's seat up as far as they can go. Is it slightly awkward waiting as the front seats move up at glacial pace? Why yes, yes it is. But that awkwardness is just one of the many pleasures of getting it on a sedan.
Tip 3: Missionary is your best friend.
Car sex is like Tetris, only instead of digital blocks you have limbs, and the rows are cleared only once you and your partner orgasm. You need to conserve space when boning in a car, and the best way to do this is through intimate, skin-to-skin sex. That's why missionary position is ideal for car sex and certain positions—like reverse-cowgirl or the centrifugal clown spoon—are a no-go.