Caitlin* (her name has been changed) is in her twenties and works at a recruiting firm in San Francisco. She says she and her boyfriend like to plan the occasional threesome, so they regularly hit up “concerts, raves, bars” and anywhere they might make new friends who are “open [to] alternative sexual arrangements.”
“Contrary to the experience of a lot of people I’ve heard about, we haven’t had any issues with jealousy,” Caitlin says. “The experiences were good for our relationship because they proved our that our trust in each other was strong.”
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Caitlin and her boyfriend were on the hunt for unicorns, a term used to describe a third party (typically a bisexual woman) who is down to clown with a couple, no strings attached. While there isn’t much research on threesomes, it appears to be an incredibly common fantasy: according to a study published in the journalArchives of Human Behavior, while only 13% of participants said they had actually had a threesome, 64% of those surveyed said they had fantasised about it.
“A lot of the couples who come to my office have threesomes on their lists of things to discuss,” says Ben Caldwell, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. “If everyone is open, respectful, and caring, it can work well.”
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As polyamory and non-monogamous arrangements become more mainstream, a lot of the stigma around group sex and openly arranging a threeway seems to be falling away. But pulling off a successful threesome is tough. For a couple that’s used to being monogamous, navigating the logistics and the feelings involved with such an endeavour can be daunting — and finding a third party is arguably the most challenging part, especially if you’d prefer not to hook up with anyone in your immediate circle in case things get weird. That’s where the search for a unicorn comes in.
Before you try to find a a unicorn, it’s important that you and your partner ask yourself why you want to incorporate a third person into your sex life in the first place. “If it’s a fantasy, a shared adventure, or a shared belief system about relationships, great,” says Caldwell. But if a threesome is a last-ditch attempt to fix something that’s already broken, or for you to cheat on your partner without really cheating on your partner, “you need to handle the problems in front of you, respectfully and directly. Bringing in a third will just involve an innocent party in an already-bad situation, possibly hurting them in the process too.”
It’s also important to note that unicorns are pretty rare. Bisexual women who enjoy sleeping with couples definitely exist, but they’re not magical creatures: they’re people with their own feelings, wants and needs. Contrary to a lot of harmful stereotypes about bisexual women, not all bisexual women are promiscuous and hypersexual, nor do they actually want to be unicorns for heterosexual couples in the first place. (As a bisexual woman myself, I can attest to this: I dodge threeway invitations on dating apps daily, even though I have no interest in having sex with a couple.)
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With the rise of threesome-specific dating apps like Feeld and 3somer, or just plain old-fashioned Tinder and OkCupid, it might seem like finding a unicorn would be easy. But that’s not quite the case. While Tinder is a solid option for both couples and unicorns who might not feel comfortable initiating threeways with people IRL, there are challenges associated with using a dating app to find a unicorn. Potential partners might ghost when it actually comes time to meet, and just like regular online dating, there’s no guarantee that the person you meet online is the person you’ll meet face-to-face, or whether you’ll hit it off IRL.
If you look for a unicorn on a dating app, it’s important to be up front about what you’re looking for. Make sure it’s clear from your profile that you’re part of a couple and that you guys are looking for a third. You should also only approach women who explicitly say they’re interested in multiple partners on their profiles. Just because someone’s bisexual and likes men and women doesn’t mean they like all men and women. No one likes creeps swooping into their DMs asking for sex, regardless of their gender or sexual orientation.
If you approach someone IRL, do so respectfully. Take time to get to know your potential unicorn and build a rapport with them first. Unless someone’s explicitly said that they are ready to jump in with you and your girlfriend right now, keep your cool, and take your time before asking. “Talk it over,” says Caldwell. “Ask respectfully, make it clear you’re both into it, and make it OK for them to say ‘no’.”
After you find a willing partner and things start to get steamy, don’t be worried if the experience doesn’t live up to your fantasy right away. “Like literally most sex things,” writes Hannah Smothers for Cosmo, “threesomes are something that are hot and steamy in your raunchy fantasies, but have the potential to look and feel extremely awkward IRL.” Embrace the awkwardness, says Caldwell. “Any couple doing this for the first time is likely to stumble over themselves[…] and that’s OK.”
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Above all else, take care of your unicorn’s feelings, wants, and needs. Rare as they are, unicorns should be respected and cherished and appreciated, as should any person you decide to have sex with. After all, they’re the star of the show, and you wouldn’t be having a threesome without them. If you’re lucky, and if you make sure to keep an open line of communication with your existing partner, the three of you could form a beautiful, sexy, and magical friendship.
This article originally appeared in Men’s Health
