If you're looking for a way to tell the world you've given up on life and are turning in your membership card as a man, just order a RompHim. What's that? Why, it's a romper – traditionally a garment of clothing made exclusively for women – but FOR DUDES!
Who the fuck is behind this atrociously bad idea? A group of business school bros in Chicago who've got a Kickstarter and seriously want to make this a thing. From their horrible pitch: “Turn heads and break hearts when you take your RompHim for a spin. This super-garment is designed to ... keep you cool as the days and nights heat up.” They've even trademarked RompHim, as though someone else is sitting around trying to cram men into onesies.
But wait! There's more! And it gets douchier! There's a front shirt picket! ("Equally handy for pens and Persols.") And adjustable waist tabs! And a zippered back pocket! ("To keep your wallet safe, no matter where you're Romping around.") Because that's what dudes want to do: use "Romping" as a verb more.
The creators said they hatched the idea after sitting around drinking beers and bemoaning how clothing is either too high-fashion, corporate or fratty. Pause—what is more fratty than a salmon romper? The promotional video also opens up with a guy running with an ax, so questions continue.
You can become a “RompHero” with a $5 Kickstarter pledge. (Don't.) Or for $25, get a “Team RompHim” patch. (Dear God, seriously don't.) The actual romper will set you back $95. There's also an original 3-pack option, which is reserved for truly insane people who want to buy multiples of this dreadful garment. (Oh.My.God. You absolutely cannot.)
Then again, maybe you're the kind of fellow for whom the RompHim is made. Like drinking 10-13 light beers in one happy hour? Known to wear boat shoes? Shout "Free Bird" anywhere other than an aviary? Then, here – have a romper. Their model Chip (OF COURSE HIS NAME IS CHIP) will help you with sizing.
The ads show a lot of beverage guzzling, which poses a logistics problem women have suffered for years: How do you go to that bathroom in that thing? These male rompers have a built-in pee hole, but that stopped being appropriate at age two, which is exactly how old you will look in a giant onesie.
Their Kickstarter page lists their risks and challenges, some nonsense about product design maybe not being up to spec, blah, blah, blah. There's some shit about delivery issues and there's one other dull issue raised. Not addressed? THE FACT THAT IT WILL BE A HUGE CHALLENGE TO GET A MAN TO WEAR A ROMPER.
People of all genders should wear whatever they damn well please, but as a woman, I'm vehemently not "Team RompHim." I'm not team romper at all. Go experience the pain of a romper wedgie, then come talk to me.
This article was originally published on MensHealth.com