1. KNOW HER ANATOMY THROUGH AND THROUGH
Can you locate her clitoris? Knowing your anatomy will help you understand and appreciate what you’ve got under the hood.
Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D., a clinical sexologist and psychotherapist, says that looking at a drawing or model of the clitoris can help. “All parts will be labelled in a drawing so you can see the glans of the clitoris. This visual can assist you as you explore where it is located.”
Don’t be scared to grab a hand mirror and take a look, either. If you don’t know what the clitoris even looks like, you won’t know where to begin: It’s the blind masturbating the blind.
2. FIGURE OUT WHAT WORKS FOR HER
This is not a one-size-fits-all kind of a thing. To have truly rapturous masturbatory experiences, you need to not only know what your anatomy looks, but also what works for you. Believe it or not, there are more ways to touch a clitoris than high-pressure direct contact, followed by going to town like a sex-starved teenager.
3. START BY LOCATING THE CLITORIS MANUALLY
Here's how to get started: “Lie down and ensure you have privacy so you won't be interrupted," says Overstreet. "Then take your hand and explore the area." Begin at the top of the vulva, which is the area closest to her torso. You can feel a soft and squishy structure that some refer to as a "button" that is located at the "top" of the lips. This is the glans of the clitoris, and the only area that's visible, even though it's only a quarter of the total size. (That's right: Three-quarters of the clitoris is hidden inside her body!) The glans is important, says Overstreet, because most women require stimulation in this area to reach orgasm.
Once you know where the clitoris is, test different pressures and speeds. If direct contact is too much, try layering her labia over her clitoris or simply circling the clit with your fingers. Just find what works for her. Every single body is different.
4. GET A TOY
A good vibrator is something every woman should have on hand. It’s a love present to herself. If she hasn’t used toys before, this will change her world. If you’re a toy aficionado, but the collection is letting you down, don’t worry. It happens to all of us.
If she's nervous about getting a toy, or doesn't know where to buy them—check out this trusty guide.
Overstreet points out vibrators aren't the only thing you can use during masturbation: “You can try a dildo, vibrator, pillow, or any object that feels good to her. Touching or rubbing the area with the object causes direct stimulation. Allow yourself permission to explore different objects.”
5. EXPLORE THE G-SPOT
The clitoris is fabulous, but sometimes she may want something more. Luckily, there are about a trillion ways you can pleasure her. Take the G-spot for example, located about two-thirds inside the vagina on the anterior wall, which is the side closest to her stomach, says Overstreet.
Once you locate the G-spot, you can use your fingers to stimulate it. It helps to get the glans clitoris involved at the same time. A helpful tool? Stimulate both at the same time.
Keep in mind that the G-spot isn’t an erogenous zone for every woman. It may feel amazing to touch it, and it may not.
6. DON’T FOCUS ON ORGASM
If she's having trouble orgasming during masturbation, it’s hard for her not to feel like something is wrong. This is supposed to be easy, right? Well, not really, actually. Lots of women are incapable of orgasm during masturbation.
Women can get performance anxiety. Putting pressure on her (and yourself) to make her orgasm will only make the orgasm more elusive (which of course only makes her anxious about being anxious, and the cycle continues).
The solution? Overstreet suggests uninterrupted “couple time,” with no set end.
And here's a shocker: She doesn't HAVE to orgasm! She can have you work your magic and simply enjoy the experience. Don’t focus on the goal, focus on the journey. If you take orgasming off the table as the end all, be all—she’ll probably end up getting off more often.
Give her permission to enjoy herself. This doesn’t need to be a high-stakes experience. Masturbation is about connecting and enjoying her body.
This article originally appeared on Women's Health US.