When it comes to masturbation, simple equals safe. But since variety is the spice of life, plenty of guys have decided to shake up their masturbation routines with exotic techniques or foreign objects. Spoiler alert: this usually does not end well.
Take, for example, the 27-year-old man who decided it would be fun to constrict the flow of blood to his penis – similar to what a penis ring is designed to do – by sliding a plastic bottle onto his Johnson. You can see where this is going.
The bottle became stuck, "strangling" his penis and causing distal oedema – a rapid accumulation of blood in his shaft that caused it to swell to twice its usual erect girth, according to case report in the Indian Journal of Surgery. Fortunately, this guy's penis returned to normal size after doctors cut the bottle away. (They have no idea if the man suffered any long-term effects because they never heard from him again – presumably because he was too embarrassed to answer their follow-up calls.)
Here are a few other ways men have compromised the health of their manhood while masturbating.
POUNDING IT UNTIL YOU PUKE.
After two days of vomiting, fever, scrotum swelling and muscle pain, a 29-year-old finally decided to visit the emergency department. Doctors eventually diagnosed him with Fournier's gangrene, a rare type of microbial infection.
The cause? He'd masturbated so frequently that he'd opened up abrasions on the shaft of his penis, which left him vulnerable to infection. Doctors treated him with antibiotics and several rounds of skin-grating surgery to re-insulate his severely chafed penis from the elements.
SQUEEZING TOO HARD.
Though usually associated with vigorous sex, one comprehensive review study in the journal Trauma and Acute Care Surgery found just 19 per cent of penile fractures – aka broken penises – occur during sex. A whopping 60 per cent happen while men are masturbating.
The most common cause? "Angulation and manual compression," according to the study.
Basically, guys were squeezing too hard and stroked down at the wrong angle, causing a rupture of their rod's corpus cavernosa – the cylindrical tubes that fill with blood when you have an erection. Swelling and leaking, as well as a dozen other complications, can cause permanent loss of function, though typically the condition is fixable, the study authors say.
WHACKING IT BEHIND THE WHEEL.
Penile fractures aren't always the result of a too-enthusiastic hand motion.
According to various case studies detailed in the Canadian Urological Association Journal, multiple men have broken their penises while masturbating in moving cars. (The vehicle stopped suddenly, causing a collision between the penis and steering wheel or dashboard.)
Also making the study's list: breaking the penis by hitting it against the wall of a shower – presumably after slipping while masturbating – and hitting the side of a cocktail shaker too forcefully while trying to masturbate into it. (For this last one, no further details were provided, unfortunately.)
JAMMING SQUARE PEGS IN ROUND HOLES.
Do not stuff things into your penis. Maybe that seems obvious, but if case reports are any indication, at least one guy reading this will have decided it was a good idea to cram something into his urethra to stimulate himself during masturbation.
Unbelievably, two different men decided independently that feeding stiff electrical wire into their wangs while spanking the monkey was a good idea. One of the guys pushed the wire so far down his shaft that it coiled in his bladder. In both cases, doctors had to perform surgery to remove the wire. Miraculously, both men fully recovered.