This Is How To Have Great Phone Sex

How do you initiate phone sex?

Clear your calendar. First things first, you need to set a date. There are fewer things worse than being halfway through depicting sexy scenarios when your housemate bangs on the bedroom door and suggests going for a drink. Make sure that the time you choose is suitable for both of you. If that means having to wait a while and be patient, the wait will only make the release even sweeter.

Should you discuss it beforehand?

Yes, it is vital to plan ahead. Once you’ve worked out the details, it’s really important to make sure you’re both ready. Zooming in late from work and trying to talk dirty when you have a million other things on your mind is not going to work. You have both got to be ‘in the zone.’ My advice is to take some time beforehand to prepare. Do whatever gets you in the mood and relaxed – maybe play with yourself while listening to music with a glass of wine.

How do you get the ball rolling?

It’s a combination of the words you’re saying, how you say it, and the mood you’ve set. You don’t want to be laughing hysterically while you describe what you’re about to do to your lover, but it’s okay to be silly and giggle a little if that’s how you feel.

You don’t need to jump in with anything extreme. A good opener is something suggestive like, “I’ve got a little surprise for you later.” You can then move on to something a little more direct as the mood deepens and you both get turned on. “I love the way your tongue feels on my skin” or then describe slowly what you plan to do to him when you meet up.

Is there anything you should never do?

No two couples are the same and you will know better than anyone what is and isn’t appropriate when talking to your dirty to partner. So don’t treat these 5 tips as absolute no-go areas but avoiding most of these things may help things to go more smoothly.

1. Don’t be a parrot – even if what your partner has just said is super-sexy, it does show a lack of imagination to just repeat it parrot fashion even if that perfectly expresses how you feel. If it does match your feelings then tweak it a little so your partner feels that you are specifically addressing them and their desires.

2. Don’t ever mention the ex – it sounds obvious, but it is amazing how many couples manage to kill the mood with inappropriate references to former lovers. Yes, you may have had incredible sex with XYZ but that is one golden moment that should be kept firmly in your memory.

3. Ditch the cheese – remember, you’re not a porn star. It can be a real turn off if you start behaving like one. Avoid cliches that you have heard in movies.

4. “How’s the weekend looking?” – even if you’re with someone who loves to chat, now is not the time to catch-up on their work day or who you’re going out with on Friday night inbetween dirty phone chat. Sex is all about intimacy and connection. If you want to refresh your diary, ask him after the phone sex is finished when talking about more mundane things will seem far more appropriate.

5. Don’t fake it, you’ll get caught out – phone sex is like regular sex: sometimes it’s great, sometimes it’s just okay and sometimes it might be fun to begin with but quickly runs out of steam. That’s fine. If it is obvious that you’re struggling to get a connection, don’t pretend that you have. No one really comes like Sally in When Harry Met Sally in real-life.

What are the cliches to avoid? 

Don’t jump in and get too graphic straight away – that would be like skipping foreplay and going straight to full sex. You need to let things build naturally. He needs to know that you are genuinely feeling it and not just reading from the script of a porn flick.

Here are 4 sentences to avoid:

“Talk dirty to me”

“You’ve been a bad girl/boy”

“I’ve been thinking of doing this to you ALL DAY.”

“You do it better than anyone else ever has!”

The key with phone sex is to keep it real and say what you are actually feeling.

Is it easier to explore fantasies over the phone?

Yes, push the boat out. Lots of people are emboldened by phone sex and while apart from their partner can express desires that they would be too afraid to detail face-to-face. Phone sex is the perfect time to create new and exciting scenarios – your imagination can take you anywhere in the world. If there’s a little sexual something that you’ve always wanted to try, then phone sex is the time to embrace those ideas. As long as you have built up to that moment slowly and you are not rushing things or introducing concepts that you know are going to be a turn-off to your partner, that has to be a good thing. When you are next together, you can refer to that phone sex chat and say: “How about we do it now?”

How can you bring technology into play?

Phone sex has just got a whole lot more exciting thanks to advances in technology. Sex when you are apart is a lot more fun with pictures – so use FaceTime, Snapchat or whatever tool you use to connect with partner. But don’t be lazy about it. Plan your phone sex no matter device you are using to connect on – so both dress for the occasion, for instance. Perhaps introduce some sex toys into the discussion. There are some great toys now run by apps such as the We Vibe Sync which means you can control how they work from opposite sides of the world. So she can be playing with her vibrator while you are masterminding the controls from 5,000 miles away.

Does it have a positive/healthy impact on relationships?

Yes, I firmly believe that phone sex is a great way to connect with your lover. Lots of relationships go wrong because time apart creates emotional distance between lovers. You haven’t seen each other for two weeks and when you meet up again it can feel like being with a stranger. You have to start all over again and sometimes that just isn’t worth it – you call time on a relationship which still has potential. It is far easier to re-establish intimacy in person if you have been going at it on FaceTime just 48 hours earlier.

This article originally appeared on Women’s Health