However, gentlemen, despite what you’ve seen in porn (or heard from previous partners who were no doubt lying to you), we are not contortionists. We are not pretzels. And we do not enjoy being treated like bendy straws for your own personal entertainment. Just because it looked hot on the big screen (or on your small screen, late at night with the lights off), doesn’t mean it works in reality. So before we all unzip, let’s take a moment to discuss which sex positions that should be off the table. Forever.
69
As much as it looked hot in whatever porn du jour you’re currently enjoying, the reality of this is far from sexy for the woman. Oral sex should be about relaxing and letting someone take care of you. Propping up on our elbows and toes, while simultaneously trying to relax so you can get us off is too much mental effort. Just like when you’re getting a blow job, we want to lay back, close our eyes and enjoy the ride.
There’s nothing wrong with reciprocal oral sex (it’s encouraged), but just take our turns.
Standing up
How is this fun for you? How are you managing to sustain an erection while supporting our entire body weight on your waist? And in that vein, how are we supposed to get off while wondering if you’re exhausted from lifting and thrusting our delicate female frames?
Lastly, in no way does standing up hit any of the correct angles a woman needs to get off. We’re guessing it’s probably the same for you and the only reason why you want to try this move is because you saw it in Jerry Maguire.
In the shower
Take everything I just said about standing up sex and add water—the anti-lubricant.
The oil driller
There is very little need for an actual woman in this position, where she has her legs hoisted up in the air and he’s hammering down like he’s ... drilling for oil. This does absolutely nothing for the woman except remind her how much she values oxygen when her chin is smashed to her chest and you’re happily masturbating with her vagina.
Reverse cowgirl
This is a position that is perfect for male visuals. You’re laying back, hands propped behind your head, having a glorious view of a lady’s rear while she services you.
Fun fact: We have absolutely no problem doing the work. Girl on top is a fantastic position, and one in which many women can easily achieve orgasm. But doing it backwards doesn’t have the same effect for us, and it’s actually pretty difficult to keep your part inside of ours, which, spoiler alert, is kind of key for sex. But we hope you enjoy the view.
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Legs behind the head
As much as you may think we enjoy being folded like a panini and bounced on, it’s not the super sensual situation we crave most. It doesn’t allow for much clitoral stimulation, which is how the majority of us get off. And forget about hitting the G-spot that way. It’s also exceedingly uncomfortable if we don’t happen to be a gymnast—which, by the way, most of us are not.
This article originally appeared on Men's Health.