1. "IS IT BAD IF I'M ONLY DOING THIS BECAUSE IT WILL BE FASTER THAN SEX AND I'M TIRED AF?"
We've all been there. But hey, there's nothing wrong with placing value on your partner's pleasure AND efficiency.
2. "DAMN, PENISES ARE REALLY NOT CUTE."
They're not! Like objectively they are just not an attractive appendage. Not when they're staring you in the face at least...
3. "PREPARE TO BE BLESSED BY MY GODDESS MOUTH. TIME TO ROCK. HIS. WORLD."
The happy ending may be for you, but she's the writer of that story.
4. "DO NOT TOUCH MY HAIR."
5. "CAN WE TURN SOME BEYONCÉ ON OR SOMETHING? I DESERVE AN ANTHEM."
Nothing like a little Queen Bey to remind us that she's in charge in this situation. Plus, the spit soundtrack isn't exactly a turn on for her.
6. "YEAH, I KNOW YOU LIKE IT WHEN I PLAY WITH YOUR BALLS."
What is proper testicle etiquette these days? Does she squeeze them? Caress them? Is tugging fair game? No shame in avoiding that political hot potato for our ladies.
7. "THAT'S RIGHT, MAKE LIKE IT'S 1999 AND SAY MY NAME!"
You know that point where she's in your rhythm and you're vibe-ing and it's just so damn good? Revel in her glory and give her a shout out.
8. "MY JAW IS STARTING TO CRAMP. ARE WE ALMOST DONE OR...?"
No matter how much she enjoys giving a good old-fashioned BJ, it's only polite to be respectful of her time and effort, right? Let's wrap this up pal.
9. "THIS. IS. HAPPENING."
10. "BOW DOWN AT THE ALTAR OF MY SEXUAL PROWESS."
Mission: Accomplished.
11. "MY TURN!"
To be fair, she's probably earned it.
A version of this article originally appeared on Women's Health.