1. Yes, feel free to use my shampoo, but go easy on it because that bottle cost me $20. You know how my hair always looks like it's being hit with the beams from a thousand shining suns? That's because my shampoo is top-notch and might have actual flecks of gold in it, so please mind your squeeze.
2. Water and lube are absolutely not the same thing, and it actually makes my vagina feel like sandpaper. How convenient, you might be thinking, all that slick, watery goodness; sex will be a slippery breeze! Very wrong. All that water actually just washes away any ... natural lubricant I've got going on. You can try your darnedest but this prob won't go anywhere, sexwise.
3. I know soap is slippery and smells good, but if you get any up in my vagina, I will lose it. I've read, like, 10 million tips about how you can't get any scented shit up in there, and I will promptly lose my mind if this happens because you couldn't keep your hands off. Maybe just don't touch me when I've got soap in my nether regions.
4. If you don't let me under that hot stream of water right this instant, my nipples might freeze off. This other side of the shower where the water doesn't reach is essentially the arctic tundra and I'm going to catch my death if you don't move over.
5. I know you think it'll be sexy to press me up against this wall but OH MY GOD, IT'S FREEZING. This is the coldest surface I've ever felt. That tile wall is also freezing and there's no way I'm going to let my skin touch it for even a second. It's worse than the stethoscope at a doctor's appointment.
6. The only thing I can think about when you try to lift me up is how awkward it'll be when my roommate comes home and finds us dead in here. Should we be wearing helmets? I feel like we should be wearing helmets.
7. Yes, this is the most ideal time for me to go down on you, when I can see with my own eyes that your dick is totally clean. Finally, proof that your peen isn't sweaty or dirty or whatever. I have no idea what goes down inside your baggy boxers all day long. Also, men don't wipe after they pee, so I'm a bit concerned about the cleanliness of your genitals at all times.
8. I'm not skipping any part of my regular shower routine just because you're in here.Please do not judge me when I leave my conditioner in for a full five minutes, and please do not interrupt my very serious exfoliating routine. This is how I stay soft and ~huggable~.
9. You can play with my soapy boobs because they obviously feel amazing, but you've got three minutes before I need to rinse off. The moment you've been patiently waiting for: There are slippery suds all over my boobs and they feel heavenly, I know. You've got 180 seconds to feel me up — a girl's gotta rinse.
10. Please don't look at me when I go to rinse all my makeup off, unless you want to see how I'd look as a human raccoon. Turn to face the wall, close your eyes, exit the shower, I don't care what you do, just don't look at me when the stream of water hits this day-old mascara.
11. If you so much as brush against me while I'm shaving my leg I will punch you in the face. I'm literally holding a blade to my skin and any sudden movements are incredibly dangerous. Watch your step, sir.
12. I'm definitely hardcore judging your hygiene habits right now. Ah, so this is what men think "clean" means. Interesting. Some very valuable field research is being performed and I'm mapping out locations to never kiss you again.
13. Making out with wet lips feels kind of amazing. I can see the appeal of standing out in the rain and kissing, only it's much better in here because it doesn't involve ruining any of my clothes.
14. Please, don't try and wash my hair. Just watch me do it. This works in rom-coms, but not IRL. Plus, I'm low-key terrified of getting soap in my eyes and being blinded for life, so this is one of those things that's just better observed. Movie magic lies to us yet again.
This article originally appeared on Men's Health