LESSON 1: INITIATE WITH INTENTION
When you want to have sex with a woman, it’s crucial to make your goals known from the outset. Note the following exchange between Emma Stone’s character, Jules, and Jonah Hill’s character, Seth.
Jules: "You scratch our backs, we’ll scratch yours."
Seth: "Well, Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it’s located on my cock."
Seth’s intentions are very obvious: He wants Jules to scratch his cock, i.e. he would like her to put his hands on his penis, i.e. he would like to have sex with her. We’re not exactly running the next Apollo mission here. Jules may have laughed this off in the moment, but it's still not a very ambiguous statement. Seth made his feelings known, so Jules was empowered to choose if she would like to scratch his cock or not. It’s very gentlemanly, if you think about it. When you want to have sex with a girl, just let her know. Then she can respond with similar transparency.
LESSON 2: ANTICIPATE HER NEEDS
If a woman agrees to have sex with you (congrats!), it’s important to be prepared. Michael Cera’s character, Evan, carries a condom and spermicidal lube in anticipation of having sex with his crush Becca. Seth mocks him, however:
“You think Becca’s going to be psyched you brought a bottle of lube? ‘Oh, Evan, I could never handle your four-inch dick inside my p—y without your gigantic bottle of lube!’ These girls aren't dried up old ladies, man. They're good to go!”
Seth’s in the wrong here. A 2009 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior showed that 30 percent of women ages 18 to 59 need lubricant when they have sex. Evan was courteous to bring that bottle.
LESSON 3: WHEN SEEKING CONSENT, PAY ATTENTION TO HER BODY
Toward the end of the movie, Evan finally has a shot to have sex with Becca. It's an exciting moment for him, but the problem is, Becca's too drunk for Evan to be comfortable with sleeping with her, so he turns down her offer to give him a "blow j" with her mouth and leaves.
Consent is simple to grasp. When a woman tells you no, don't interpret that as a yes, and when you suspect a woman isn't in a healthy enough state to tell you no, don't assume that's a yes. Evan did the right thing here by declining sex. You're a champion, Evan.
LESSON 4: DON’T BE AFRAID TO WINGMAN
Seth Rogen’s character, Officer Michaels, says this of Christopher Mintz-Plasse’s iconic character, McLovin: “We shouldn’t be cock-blocking McLovin. We should be guiding his cock.”
This one is easy: Don’t be afraid to guide your friends' cocks. You can guide them with words of encouragement or by introducing the cock directly to someone who might actually like to get to know that cock a little better. However you feel comfortable when it comes to cock-guiding, be willing to take that step for your friend. He then might guide your cock in return.
LESSON 5: WHEN IN DOUBT, LEAN ON WHAT YOU LEARNED IN HEALTH CLASS
When Evan and Becca try to have sex near the end of the movie, Becca tells Evan that she’s wet, and Evan says: “Yeah, they said that would happen in health class.”
It’s a great foundation to lean on. For those less experienced in the bedroom, there’s no shame in falling back on the fundamentals. The penis goes in the vagina. Before that happens, your penis needs to be hard, and the vagina should be lubricated. If she tells you not to do something, don’t do that thing. Health class was essential. Thanks, Superbad.
This article originally appeared on Men's Health