How is a guy supposed to pick up a woman in the 21st Century?
Well, the game just changed, in case you were not aware. Thanks to slow social evolution in Western society over the last few decades, and brought to a head by recent complaints and charges laid on men in power who have sexually abused women, the whole dating scene is shifting, at last. Women want to be treated as equals, with the respect they deserve. They have been asking for this for some time, but now more men than ever are listening. Lets take a look at what this means.
If you act like a boy then you can still pick up girls the old way. Get drunk, get them drunk, wait around the nightclub until after 2am, tell them you have drugs at your place and then have sex and see where it goes from there. Or simply go on dating sites and ask for hook ups. But if you want a woman, you need to be a man now. You can no longer get away with pure charm, dramatic storytelling and boldly approaching a good-looking woman with a pick up line or two. That will not work anymore.
Instead you will need to be more self aware – that means knowing yourself well, and honestly expressing who you are. No fabricating the facts, no game playing or mating-ritual performance. You need to be able to answer questions such as ‘What do you spend time on?’ ‘What are your values?’ and ‘What are your future goals?’ She wants to know what she is getting herself in to, otherwise she will judge you as an opportunistic game player like ‘all the rest’ and she will run a mile. You need to give her something of the authentic you in order for her to be interested in you.
It’s no longer enough to look good, have lots of money, social status, or a well-respected job – now and in the future who you are will matter more than what you have. So that means you need to spend a little less time in the gym and playing computer games, a little more time getting to know yourself, including working out what your beliefs, opinions, preferences and interests are. These are the things that make you interesting and help you stand out from the crowd of other guys whose lives revolve around the gym, watching the footy and playing computer games.
There are now many men who are worried about what is the right way to approach women. First of all, remind yourself that no matter how good looking a woman is, you have no idea who she is, and who she is is more important to get to know, if she lets you. Another new rule is do not stare at her breasts or bottom or look her up and down. These are the first important steps towards seeing her as a whole person rather than an object. Please do not make a move on her until you have mastered this.
You can use questions similar to the above to ask her about herself. Yes taking a genuine interest in her is something she is looking for. Please do not let the conversation be all about you, that is a real turn off for her. But if she does not want to give you her personal information, she has a right not to, and that may be a sign that she is not really interested. And if you disagree about something that’s ok, depending on how big the topic is.
You are allowed to walk up to a woman who you are attracted to and start a conversation. But be respectful, you are strangers, and she has a right to not want to talk to you, so don’t be crass – don’t go straight into how you would like to have sex with her, and please do not use a pick up line. There are no authentic pick up lines left in the world.
And please learn the difference between her being just polite and actually taking an interest in you. This saves you from wasting precious time and money on tracking her down with your one red rose and card with your number on it. You will know the difference once your emotional intelligence is high enough. So invest in increasing your emotional intelligence – it not only helps with dates but it will help your career, friendships, and just in case you are worried about being replaced by a robot.
Are you allowed to ask her for her number? Yes, but she is only likely to give it if you have revealed something about yourself (see above) and you have taken some interest in who she is rather than just focus on what she looks like. If this interaction creates rapport and builds interest in each other, then you will both want to keep talking and at some point exchange numbers. But if you are struggling to keep the conversation flowing she may not be interested at all. If you still like the thrill of the chase and take her disinterest as a challenge, then you are a boy and need to start reading this again from the start.
When on a date can you still pay the bill? You can offer to, but if she insists on paying half then let her. She might be more comfortable paying half. Then there is no obligation to take it further if she doesn’t want to.
When should you have sex? When you both want to. Ideally you need to hear it clearly from her that she wants to, whilst still clothed, sober and nowhere near a bed. At least then she has some time to back away from it if she changes her mind. She has a right to change her mind, ask for more time, or not want to at all. And if she ends up saying ‘no’ you need to be mature enough not to throw a tantrum, not to plead, not to demand, and just accept that for her its not right. How you react lets her know your intentions and how mature you are.
In summary, the more you develop yourself, the better you become at dating, and the more likely you are to find someone compatible with you in areas that sustain a mature relationship. Like attracts like on a developmental level. That is, you attract people that have a similar maturity to you. So the more you work yourself out and deal with your issues, the better a partner you become, and the more likely you will attract someone who has also dealt with their issues and has what it takes to create a healthy, lasting relationship with you. And this is far more rewarding than any other type of relationship or arrangement you can imagine.
Peter Charleston is the author of Closer – a book on how to improve your emotional intelligence in order to connect better with the people in your life. The book is published by Echo Publishing, available on Amazon, Booktopia and bookstores.