Horniness can cloud our judgement. Especially when you’re a hormonal teenager, it’s easy to get tunnel-vision—like you can’t focus on any other task until you have an orgasm. Sometimes, that means getting a little creative, which can backfire into your face (sometimes, literally).
Recently, someone posed this simple question on Reddit: “What is the worst thing your horniness made you do?” No surprise to anyone, but folks out there have done some pretty outrageous things while horny.
Many stories involve sticking dicks into things that are definitely not made for dicks.
One commenter recalled a time when he was 16 years old and skinny dipped alone in his pool while his family was out of the house. “Naturally, I opened the sucky thing on the side of the pool for reasons,” he wrote. “Unaware that this particular hole had extreme suction, I put not my dick but my balls up to the hole and the hole sucked them in. I freaked out immediately and yanked my body away and was in severe pain (lying on the pool deck) for about 15 minutes.”
As one man so simply and eloquently stated: “[I] burnt my weiner on a banana peel.” (Pro tip: Wait for the peel to cool off after microwaving it.)
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That’s just one of many food-related stories on the thread. After failing at making pancakes, one man noticed that the more gooey consistency of his breakfast meal closely resembled human flesh. “I dropped my pants while I was on the couch, and wrapped my two warm pancakes over my already erect plaything,” he wrote. “I beat not just my breakfast sausage, but my pancakes as well. The more I got into it, the more the crumbs flew. I tore those pancakes a new one. Within a few minutes, I spread my frosting all over those sad, sad pancakes.”
After making Jell-O that “wasn’t entirely good,” one man got the idea to freeze it and warm it up again, “so it got a flesh like feeling then fucked it.” He rated the experience a 6.5.
Another Redditor put liquid soap in a hand towel, rolled it up, and put it between his bed box and mattress. He then shoved his dick in it until he ejaculated. “Unfortunately, it put a bunch of micro-scratches on the head of my penis,” he wrote. “The very next morning, the head of my penis was lined with linear scabs. For the next week or so, my flaccid penis was fine, but every boner I popped hurt like hell because it would pull and tug on the scab and some would tear.”
But when it comes to sticking your penis into places that one definitely shouldn’t, one man’s story clearly takes the cake.
“Stuck my peen in a beer bottle,” one dude wrote. “Got stuck and got freaked out. Smashed the bottle on the table only to get 6 pieces of glass stuck in my peen. Went to a hospital and had surgery. Almost needed to castrate me.”
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Other stories involved putting ill-advised lube substitutes on dicks, which one definitely should not do.
For example, when one Redditor was a kid, he masturbated with really cheap hand soap in the shower. “It felt good, as I’d never used lube before,” he wrote. “So I nutted thinking I had discovered a masturbation gold mine.” But, surprise: “That shit has a ton of lye in it, and I spent 5 minutes or so rubbing it into my dick. Wasn’t until I was in bed an hour or so later, when the chemical burns started to flare, that I realised that I’d made a huge mistake.”
Some stories involved guys shoving things up their rear ends.
“I tried to shove a soap bar up my ass,” one commenter said. Another person said they tried to do it with a plunger. (But which end?)
Last but not least, there was one guy who ran into the problem of his junk not going down while in class. “When I was in school my teacher asked me to get up in front of the class and I told him, ‘I’ll take the F.’”
This article originally appeared on Men’s Health
