Q. I’m a shit dancer. Really shit. What moves do women want to see on a wedding dance floor?
A. If you rock out with confidence, there’s a sure chance a lady will shimmy up next to you. Whether Gangnam Style is your go-to, or you prefer to dabble in The Dougie, own it. A half-hearted worm simply doesn’t cut it. If you’re still unsure, let her lead. If she’s thumbs up, Elaine Benes-style, follow suit. One word of warning: with enthusiasm comes sweat. If your nipples start showing through your shirt, take a quick breather and two-step back to the d-floor once the deodorant has taken hold and your pores have closed.
Q. I’m not the most inventive guy in the bedroom. Is there anything wrong with the good old missionary position?
A. No sir. Missionary can be great for us, especially if we’ve OD’d on nachos again or when fatigue has set in. Sometimes it’s nice to be able to lie back and think of England. But avoid becoming a lazy lay. Even a signature reverse-spincycle-upside-down-pretzel manoeuvre would become stale if that was your only playbook entry. If you want an easy upgrade, mix up the location of your bump and grind. Missionary in a tent or on the dining-room table, say, is instantly 24 per cent hotter.
Q. I saw a nude selfie on my girlfriend’s phone. Is there a problem here?
A. Hold up, why were you snooping on your missus’s mobile? C’mon man, you’re better than that. Now, on to the full-frontal discovery. Chances are she stripped down with the intent of sending it your way, but lost her naked nerve. Maybe she’s interested in modelling for a nude art class and this was her submission. Or, she’s getting a skin cancer check via remote services. A modest, artistic, sun-smart lady? You’ve found yourself a catch, mister. If you can’t shake the concerns, bring it up – but be prepared to justify your sneaky hard-drive hacking.Revealed: Your Missionay
Q. I’m dating a much younger woman. How do I navigate the age gap?
A. How old are we talking? Doing time for under-age misdemeanours is to be avoided at all costs. Secondly, brace yourself for a grilling from Daddy. Chances are he’ll be less than impressed his little girl is dating someone from his school alumni. Then there’s the superficial stuff, like differing public transport fares. But if you’re serious about her, make sure she has the same intentions. You don’t want to discover she was only ever after a fling before backpacking around Bhutan.
Q. I drive a Hyundai Getz and I’m single. Should I take out a loan and get something a bit more impressive?
A. I’m going to let you in on a secret. Not every fella cruising the streets in a six-figure car is safe from a solo status. In fact, their fully sick subwoofers and chrome-plated hubcaps may well be the reason for their lonely fate. Focus on things that don’t require a generous salary – like being a kind person and taking an interest in what’s happening in the world. Those two things alone will boost your appeal, irrespective of the ride you’re rocking. Now go Getz ’em, tiger.