The human mind is a brilliant, mysterious thing. There are those that have used it to put men on the moon, and there are others who use it to come to the decision that sticking their penis in random objects is a good idea.
Last week, The Sun reported a British man stuck his penis in a plastic water bottle which could only be removed with the help of firefighters. The guy said he was inspired by the new Fifty Shades movie – although we’re struggling to recall the scene where Christian Grey sticks his penis in a foreign object.
While you might think this guy’s a total muppet, he’s not the first – and definitely won’t be the last – guy to make regrettable decisions regarding his penis. Here are the other places where you definitely should not stick your schlong.
A SEX TOY BOTTLE
A 50-year-old Honduran man had to get his penis amputated earlier this year after he got it stuck in a water bottle he was using as a sex toy for four days straight. What happened to his poor penis, we hear you ask? It turned black and died – the result of a condition called necrosis where cells in the body die.
A SEX WORKER
Only last year, an elderly Chinese man passed away while having sex with a prostitute. It’s definitely not the worst way to go, but it probably would leave the poor woman with a few scars as the man was wheeled away with his dick still inside her.
Come on, a steel pipe… really? Yes, really. A British man thought it’d be a wise idea to stick his Johnson inside of a steel pipe in 2010. After one massive boner due to restricted blood flow, seven firefighters, 30 minutes and one metal grinder, they were able to free the man.
Our next tale takes us to the depths of the internet, where in 2015 a 4chan user got his erection stuck inside of a roll of tape and took to the popular message board to seek advice on how to remove it. The title of the post tells you all you need to know about the guy: “I can’t lose this boner! I’ve had it for about 20 minutes, WTF do I do?”
Users gave him advice ranging from “call an ambulance” to “I hope your dick falls off” – but this is where the story ends. He was never heard from again.
It had to happen – there’s always one Australian who ruins it for the rest of us. An Aussie bloke attempted to flee from police after they allegedly found him half naked with his dick inside a pasta jar. When they caught up to him, they seized porn, women’s stockings and a Jack Russell from the man’s car.
Even after they arrested him, the man continued “pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling.” Where do we find mates like these?
Memo: wedding rings are for fingers, cock rings are for your penis. A poor South African man must have missed this memo as he stuck his penis in his wedding ring after being egged on by his friends. After the ring wouldn’t slide off on its own, doctors had to use an orthopaedic oscillating saw to cut it off.
Dozens of police and paramedics were called to a local park in Hong Kong after reports of a man getting his penis stuck in the hole of a metal park bench. He told police he did it because he thought it’d be fun to have sex with the bench. He was wrong.
Last but not least, a toaster. Yep.. a toaster. Lucky for the Englishman it wasn’t turned on, but still.. a toaster. It turns out firefighters have seen some shit.
A version of this article was first published on MensHealth.com
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