1. DO YOU KNOW THE RECIPIENT?
In general, men are more familiar with erotic visuals (i.e., porn) than women, which partly explains why I periodically receive unsolicited dick pics from strangers on dating apps. It’s comparable to how cats sometimes bring their owners critters they’ve killed – cats enjoy eating dead animals, so when a cat leaves one, dead or dying, in his owner’s bed, he thinks he’s bringing her a tasty treat. To clarify: a dick pic from a stranger does nothing for women. It is a dead vole. Never send a dick pic to someone who is not already intimately acquainted with the dick in question.
2. DOES THE RECIPIENT WANT A DICK PIC?
Even when someone is intimately acquainted with your dick – even if you’ve sent them oodles of noodle pics – they might not want to see it right then. They might be babysitting, and in the same instant you send your dick pic, the babysittee might have wrestled their phone from their death grip and be running around the room with it shouting, “Pee-pee picture! Pee-pee picture!” It’s smart to preface any dick pic with something along the lines of: “I’m so hard, want to see?”
RELATED: 74% Of Women Don’t Want Your Dick Pic
3. HOW CONFIDENT ARE YOU THAT THIS PERSON WILL NEVER SHARE YOUR DICK PIC?
Before you send a sexy photo, you should make two assumptions: first, that the recipient will save it in her phone as collateral in case you one day wrong her; second, that you will become a politician. (See also: Anthony Weiner.) If you don’t completely trust the recipient to use your dick pic for good and not for evil, don’t send it.
4. IS THERE ANYTHING UNSEXY IN THE BACKGROUND?
I probably won’t notice whether you’ve manscaped or not, but I will definitely notice that unidentifiable stain on the towel hanging behind you. Avoid taking any sexy pictures in your bathroom – there’s nothing attractive about your toilet, and mirror selfies in poor lighting are so Myspace. I recommend taking a photo in your bedroom, where the magic happens. If you’re having trouble positioning your phone without a mirror, put your laptop on something waist height, open up Photo Booth, and do a quick spin to make sure there’s nothing embarrassing in your shot. Besides bathroom stuff, other things that will distract from your dick include: a pile of laundry, a pile of dishes, and your child. (See also: Anthony Weiner, again.)
5. IS THIS DICK PIC REALLY ON-BRAND FOR YOU?
A lot of men think every dick pic has to be a full-frontal shot of their throbbing dong. But if you’re new to dick photography or just feeling shy, I recommend starting out with something a little less self-serious. One particularly Photoshop-gifted boyfriend would decorate his dick pics with little hats or, on one occasion, Joe Biden’s face. (Not not arousing.) I appreciated that his dick pics reflected his personality. His photos also made me really comfortable sending him funny-sexy photos in return, and why are you giving out nudes if not to get nudes back?
