I spend so much time bringing my A-game when he’s around that it feels a-freaking-mazing to do the complete opposite when I’m left to my own devices.
Of course, one time he came home early and caught me in the act. I was standing in the kitchen, eating ice cream with a fork, while working my holey, ’80s-cut running underwear, a sports bra, and greasy hair. It was heaven…until he walked in.
While I was mortified, it still hasn’t stopped me from doing the same thing every time he’s out of town. And I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who has little habits that I keep from my other half. Just to be positive (because I really, really don’t want to give up my onesie), I took a survey of my married girlfriends. Here’s what I discovered (the names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent):
“My husband never logs out of his e-mail when he’s done and sometimes even leaves it up on our computer. So of course I’m going to look at it. I’ve never found anything even remotely off, but that doesn’t stop me from looking around his inbox and sent folder every once in a while.” —Sarah
“Sometimes, I’ll check out my husband on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter and spend time looking at what he posted. It’s kind of weird, but I guess I’m just curious to see what he’s talking about and who he’s talking with when he’s not with me.” —Katie
“I’ve never farted in front of my husband—at least that I’ll admit—but sometimes I have a gas problem, especially when I order this one dish I love from a Mexican takeout place near my house that’s loaded with onions. I only order it when my husband isn’t going to be around for 24 hours so I can fart in peace.” —Laney
“Every once in a while, I’ll look at my husband’s texts. I’m paranoid he has one of those apps that tell you when someone’s been on your phone—but apparently not paranoid enough.” —Amy
“My husband is big on recapping his workday in detail when he gets home. It’s so boring, so I usually tune him out. I discovered that I can say the right things at the right time by reading his facial expressions. If he looks upset, I’ll just say something like, ‘I’m sorry,’ when he stops talking. He thinks I was listening the whole time.” —Erin
Here are a few other things many married women do but would never own up to:
Throw out your husband’s ratty Homer Simpson boxers when he’s not around and then pretend to help look for them when he starts panicking about not being able to find them.
Watch the next episode of Game of Thrones without your man, but pretend to be shocked at the twists and turns when you watch again with him.
“Forget” to unload the dishwasher, take out the trash, or make the bed, so he has to do it.
Polish off the leftovers from the night before and then play dumb about their whereabouts.
Talk for ages about how “stressed” and “overwhelmed” you are, so he volunteers to take on your regular chores.
Speed through sex because you really, really want to be done in time for the new episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
So, okay, keeping some habits on the DL in your marriage is apparently normal, although I bet women aren’t the only ones who do this. Just to be sure, I asked a married guy friend.
His response: “Sometimes I unplug the Wi-Fi router if I lose an argument.”
I rest my case.
This article was originally published on WomensHealthMag.com
