Sometimes, even the simplest of phrases can piss a woman off. (“Calm down” comes to mind.) Why? Because words – however innocuous they may seem to you – always carry meaning to her: “[Women’s] brains are more wired for communication,” says Jaiya, a sex educator and author of Cuffed, Tied, and Satisfied: A Kinky Guide to the Best Sex Ever. “So words are going to have a little bit more weight to a woman than to a man.”
The upshot: that means your words can be a powerful aphrodisiac for your partner – a way to tap into her desire, any time of day. And there are some that work for almost every woman out there: “Words that help her feel wanted, desired and sexy are going to usually universally trigger women,” says Jaiya. “They go from their ears down to their genitals.”
Ready to memorise her sexual dictionary? Read on to start learning her language.
Most women don’t want a yes man – that is, a pushover – but they do love a guy who knows what he wants. “We’re attracted to men who are certain and decisive,” says dating coach DeAnna Lorraine. “When a man speaks like that – ‘yes’ or ‘absolutely’ – it shows that certainty.” It also says you’re a guy who’s willing to do what makes her happy, including in the bedroom: “If she lets out a moan and you say, ‘Yes’, it gives her permission to go even deeper into her pleasure,” says Jaiya. “It helps her let go.”
No, don’t call every woman Jessica. But yell (or whisper) your partner's name when you’re in the throes of passion. “Female pleasure is narcissistic,” says Jaiya. “Hearing her name makes her feel special. It’s about her, like, you’re the irresistible one. You’re the one with the magic hoo-hoo. It’s not about someone random.” In other words, tacking on her name is a dynamite way to reassure her that she prompted your pleasure, not some fantasy woman in your head.
"I love you” isn’t the only way to drop the “L” word – simply saying you love a specific part of her body will effortlessly ignite her desire. “The connotation of ‘love’ is intense and special,” says sex therapist Dr Arlene Goldman, author of Secrets of Sexual Ecstasy. “’I like the way you look’ is lukewarm, but ‘I love the way you look’ sounds very positive and passionate.”
Whereas everyone can see your erection, only you can detect her lubrication. “That’s a very intimate thing – you’re both in on the secret, that she’s turned on by you,” says Lorraine. Even referencing her wetness before she’s fully aroused can help produce the desired response: “The brain sometimes doesn’t know the difference between what is real and what isn’t,” says Jaiya. “When you tell a woman, ‘You’re getting so wet’, her body will respond."
Emphasise the woman – not the act. If you say, “You really turn me on”, you’re giving props specifically to your partner, says Goldman, but if you say, “I’m really turned on”, you’re just focusing on your own sexual experience. “She wants to know that there’s something about her that is arousing to you,” Goldman explains. Or as Jaiya puts it: “Tell her how she’s affecting you. That lets a woman know she is desired.”
During couples counselling sessions, Jaiya reads off a list of erotic words, and asks the woman to raise her hand with one in particular that arouses her. What she consistently finds: Females choose “cock” over “penis”, “prick” or “dick”. “Dick is more derogatory, like, ‘He’s a dick’, or it’s a joke word,” she says. “But cock is very strong and masculine.” To preserve its erotic power, avoid using “cock” in everyday chit-chat with your partner – save it for your most intimate moments, Lorraine advises. That way, “it’s a little taboo and X-rated”, she says.
7. "Hot pocket"
No, the microwaveable dinners aren’t the new aphrodisiac – this is a slang term for her vagina, and oddly enough, many women love it. When Jaiya does the sexual trigger words exercise with couples, “almost everyone will raise their hands on hot pocket”, she says. Lesson learned: “If your woman has a sense of humour, don’t be afraid of funny words.” Coining sexual catchphrases that make you laugh can actually be an act of intimacy – a shared joke that only the two of you are in on, says Jaiya.
In case you haven’t watched the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer, let us catch you up: women want to be wanted – and they don’t want you to be shy about it. “Right now, in our culture, women are yearning to be desired,” says Jaiya.
“We want to know you’re going crazy for us,” says Lorraine. So start verbalising your desire by saying, “I need you so bad”. Hint: save this one for times when you’re mutually starved for sex, like when you’ve been away on a business trip. That way, your desire doesn’t feel like a demand.
It’s perhaps the only word that simultaneously conveys desire, pleasure, orgasm and loss of control, according to a recent paper in Sexuality & Culture. And that’s exactly why it’s so packed with erotic potential. But before you spout off, “I want to make you come”, make sure you’ve actually done so in the past – otherwise the word may just make her feel pressured to perform, says Lorraine. (Likewise, if your partner is rarely able to climax, this shouldn’t be your go-to line.) You can even try a little reverse psychology: “Play with orgasm control, like ‘You’re not allowed to come’,” says Jaiya. “Playing with that word within a power dynamic can be really hot.”